Red Velvet

With a glass of the perfect red blend, on the perfect Saturday morning (mid-morning). I ventured onto the road of creating Red Velvet. Feeling full of warmth and gratitude for all this life has to offer. Loving my alone time and determined to erase the hardships of the week with every stroke. So I created Red Velvet my comfort … my peace… my warmth.

The Reaf

Behind These Doors

In my own comfort
And my own apprehension
I close my eyes
To attempt this elusive
Thing called sleep

My father
Thank you, forgive me
Sanctified, kingdom, heaven and earth
And before I know it there I am
In the hall of my memories
Tar black semi-gloss walls
The halls end too far for my tiered eyes to see

Illuminated by a single bulb of light
Swinging high above the black floors
Of red, green and white doors
With each swing creating shadows
Fearful, sad
Regretful but seldom glad

So many green doors
Green like the Grinch doors
The green of fear
Mistakes, anxieties, hideous truths
The green of a world
Where life is passively visited
A lived that never was
An existence that was but illusion
A spectator in another’s plan
Regretful green
The color that torments my days
And Haunts my every night

The red doors beautiful and far between
Doors of flowers, gardens, love
Laughter, faith, comfort
Reward and safety
Behind these doors is Me
Garden, soil, stem, thorn and rose
Untainted, unravaged
Clear minded, open hearted
Sun warming my face
Life flowing thru my veins
Me, whole soul and mind
Where I get as much as I give
Not that I would ever ask
But it’s nice to get a love
Almost as nice as it is to give a love

So I close my eyes, again
Praying for only sleep
Peaceful, beautiful black nothingness
Inevitably there I am
The hall of my life
My memories, my fears
Of unlived dreams and ever present nightmares

Sometimes I pass the doors slow
Touching each one
As a remembrance of what they hold
I touch one, feeling the twinge of the hurt
Another with a prick on the tips of my fingers
The hate is always an electric surge thru my hand
And the doors of fear
I feel their doom, the heaviness
It’s all consuming power
Like a vacuum sucking away my determination
My will pass thru my hand
to the monster that lives within

It’s not the slow reminiscent walks
That I fear so much
It the maddening
The spinning, dizzying, mad dash
On a broken conveyor belt
The vortex thru the hall of my memories
Where doors come to life
Becoming breathing living entities in themselves
Black and white picture shows of my past moments
Some I recall and some I don’t
All reaching out fighting to pull me in
Clawing at me pulling me in every direction
Like selfish little children
Despite the fact that I’ve given
All I have and now stand empty
They still want more of me
These nightmares of me
Want to be the death of me
I fight to find my way out of this torrent
of selfish memories
Trying to find my light
Reaching for the pull chain
For freedoms click
Will the click come?
Or will the memories my sanity won
Every waking moment frozen in time
Stuck in that room
Of fear and of gloom

In my own comfort and my own personal apprehension
I open my eyes
And attempt this elusive thing called living
Will it be red or green
Or the white a future unwritten
What will I find behind the door
My mind, my reason, my hope
Or will I wake and find that I’m 21 once more

For those with Mental Illness and for those who love someone with. The challenge is ever present, ever weighing but the gift lies in the understanding. The beauty of insanity is within the insane, in their dreams, their stories in their fears. Just take the time to see, ask and hear and yours will be the gift of knowing the beauty behind these doors.

- The art is my interpretation of moms ever wakeful dark nights. Her doors...

My Blood

This love volatile
Yet purely true
To love you
With all I have
And All I... am… not

Nothing for you
Nothing
I would not do

The line between love
and obsessed connection
Is truly thin
We go in and out
Between these lines
We cross over… and… in

Your scent
My sick obsession
My kryptonite
My physical defection

Honesty is a virtue
But humor me with a lie
Tell me I’m all you need
That you’ll always love
Only me
For all that I am
For only what you see

To wake up in your arms
Is like to be reborn
Your arms give me life
And yet my dreams
From me torn

In the beginning
You can’t imagine an end
Then you’re so strung out
Your love the lure
Reaching for an out
Unable to find a cure

You’re the adrenalin
In… my… veins
Your love makes me
Who…I…am
Together we fly
Crash and burn
Together we die

We’ve created this mess
Together
It’s not just you
Or only me
This kayos was created
We

The more I love you
The deeper I fall
Slowly loosing who I am
Long ago gone is me
And departed is who
You thought you’d be

What we have
Is beautiful
It’s bad
What we created
Is mad
Together we’ve made
Something real
Something sad

Never thought
I’d ever love this way
To hell and back
Regardless of how you’d fair
I’d do it all again
For you are… my… air

I need you never
But can’t let go
This sinking ship is ours
We created it together
And refuse to surrender

So we are both prisoners
Prisoners of this love
Behind these bars
Buried and forgotten

My blood flows
Only for you
You surge thru my veins
Like a disease
And the cure to my pain

You’re my affliction
My love
My addiction

Painting by: Andrew Wyeth’s

Uninspired

How did I get to this place?
How is it that I am here?
Is this really all I am?
A woman with everything to fear?

I no longer remember the dreams
Or who or what I wanted to be
Is this what I wanted of my life
This work of women and of wife

What dreams did I have did I follow
To come to this place
My fault and the work of my own hand
Or just the hours pass thru fingers like sand

Is this what hard work truly brings
Or Did I stand by and just let life happen?
Did I really work for this at all
Could my dreams really be this small?

From the outside in
It’s all well kept and well acquired
But what I see is scatted dreams empty and bare
And of the void I am ever aware

Looking at my place and at my time
Who I am and all I have
Bring both comfort and shame
Knowing that I have myself to only blame

But what to do
Want and need only what is had
Or turn from this my home of uninspired
To the possibility of what was once desired

Nope, I keep with this uninspired life
For if I look away too long
I might my blessing regret
So it’s better that my dreams to forget

- emily gonzalez

I stay...

How did I get here to this place?
I look into a face I think I know
And the eyes looking back full of Sadness
Sympathy and fear
They whisper that they love me
So why am I still here?

I ask the little ones to take me with them
But they don’t know my words
Or what I say
The ones in the white coats
Talk about me but not to me
I want to go home
They pat my arm and look thru me

The two that come
Share their days and their lives
They clean me up and do my hair
But when I wake up no one's there

How did I get here to this place?
Eyes of sadness, sympathy and fear
They whisper that they love me
Why am I still here?

I sit in this room with the sad and lonely
But inside I feel like more
and remember a time when
I was anything but only
I had things to do and kids to feed
I had a responsibility to a higher power

Sometimes I close my eyes to ask for help
Though I can remember to who it is I talk
I sense someone does listen
I remember the streets of NY I’d walk
With a message
A message to share
I was surrounded by those lost and needy
With my word of hope a sense of care
The drug induced, sick and sad
They needed me and the job I had

How did I get here to this place?
I look into the eyes of those I think I know
Eyes of sadness, sympathy and fear
They whisper that they love me
But am I still here?

Looking out this window
Feels familiar like I’ve been here before
But when I look back
Back at the place I am
I expect to see more
I wonder where have they all gone
Or where have I been
He should be home soon
I remember with a grin

Here come the two
I know there should be others
But can’t remember who
They clean me up and do my hair
They talk of life and somehow I know they care.
But I remember so many others
I wonder where have they all gone

Take me with you I say
Eyes of sadness, sympathy and fear
They whisper that they love me
but they go home
And I stay here

- emily gonzalez

You Can...

"Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times" - Aeschylus

It is truly up to us! Everyday happiness is our choice. We can choose to be grateful each and every day for the little pleasures and joys in life or we can complain that the bigger happiness’s are so hard to achieve. I don’t know about you but I choose to take a million little happiness in stead of two BIG joys in a life time.

Make the effort. Make it a good day. Choose to be HAPPY!!!