Red Velvet

With a glass of the perfect red blend, on the perfect Saturday morning (mid-morning). I ventured onto the road of creating Red Velvet. Feeling full of warmth and gratitude for all this life has to offer. Loving my alone time and determined to erase the hardships of the week with every stroke. So I created Red Velvet my comfort … my peace… my warmth.

The Reaf

Behind These Doors

In my own comfort
And my own apprehension
I close my eyes
To attempt this elusive
Thing called sleep

My father
Thank you, forgive me
Sanctified, kingdom, heaven and earth
And before I know it there I am
In the hall of my memories
Tar black semi-gloss walls
The halls end too far for my tiered eyes to see

Illuminated by a single bulb of light
Swinging high above the black floors
Of red, green and white doors
With each swing creating shadows
Fearful, sad
Regretful but seldom glad

So many green doors
Green like the Grinch doors
The green of fear
Mistakes, anxieties, hideous truths
The green of a world
Where life is passively visited
A lived that never was
An existence that was but illusion
A spectator in another’s plan
Regretful green
The color that torments my days
And Haunts my every night

The red doors beautiful and far between
Doors of flowers, gardens, love
Laughter, faith, comfort
Reward and safety
Behind these doors is Me
Garden, soil, stem, thorn and rose
Untainted, unravaged
Clear minded, open hearted
Sun warming my face
Life flowing thru my veins
Me, whole soul and mind
Where I get as much as I give
Not that I would ever ask
But it’s nice to get a love
Almost as nice as it is to give a love

So I close my eyes, again
Praying for only sleep
Peaceful, beautiful black nothingness
Inevitably there I am
The hall of my life
My memories, my fears
Of unlived dreams and ever present nightmares

Sometimes I pass the doors slow
Touching each one
As a remembrance of what they hold
I touch one, feeling the twinge of the hurt
Another with a prick on the tips of my fingers
The hate is always an electric surge thru my hand
And the doors of fear
I feel their doom, the heaviness
It’s all consuming power
Like a vacuum sucking away my determination
My will pass thru my hand
to the monster that lives within

It’s not the slow reminiscent walks
That I fear so much
It the maddening
The spinning, dizzying, mad dash
On a broken conveyor belt
The vortex thru the hall of my memories
Where doors come to life
Becoming breathing living entities in themselves
Black and white picture shows of my past moments
Some I recall and some I don’t
All reaching out fighting to pull me in
Clawing at me pulling me in every direction
Like selfish little children
Despite the fact that I’ve given
All I have and now stand empty
They still want more of me
These nightmares of me
Want to be the death of me
I fight to find my way out of this torrent
of selfish memories
Trying to find my light
Reaching for the pull chain
For freedoms click
Will the click come?
Or will the memories my sanity won
Every waking moment frozen in time
Stuck in that room
Of fear and of gloom

In my own comfort and my own personal apprehension
I open my eyes
And attempt this elusive thing called living
Will it be red or green
Or the white a future unwritten
What will I find behind the door
My mind, my reason, my hope
Or will I wake and find that I’m 21 once more

For those with Mental Illness and for those who love someone with. The challenge is ever present, ever weighing but the gift lies in the understanding. The beauty of insanity is within the insane, in their dreams, their stories in their fears. Just take the time to see, ask and hear and yours will be the gift of knowing the beauty behind these doors.

- The art is my interpretation of moms ever wakeful dark nights. Her doors...

My Blood

This love volatile
Yet purely true
To love you
With all I have
And All I... am… not

Nothing for you
Nothing
I would not do

The line between love
and obsessed connection
Is truly thin
We go in and out
Between these lines
We cross over… and… in

Your scent
My sick obsession
My kryptonite
My physical defection

Honesty is a virtue
But humor me with a lie
Tell me I’m all you need
That you’ll always love
Only me
For all that I am
For only what you see

To wake up in your arms
Is like to be reborn
Your arms give me life
And yet my dreams
From me torn

In the beginning
You can’t imagine an end
Then you’re so strung out
Your love the lure
Reaching for an out
Unable to find a cure

You’re the adrenalin
In… my… veins
Your love makes me
Who…I…am
Together we fly
Crash and burn
Together we die

We’ve created this mess
Together
It’s not just you
Or only me
This kayos was created
We

The more I love you
The deeper I fall
Slowly loosing who I am
Long ago gone is me
And departed is who
You thought you’d be

What we have
Is beautiful
It’s bad
What we created
Is mad
Together we’ve made
Something real
Something sad

Never thought
I’d ever love this way
To hell and back
Regardless of how you’d fair
I’d do it all again
For you are… my… air

I need you never
But can’t let go
This sinking ship is ours
We created it together
And refuse to surrender

So we are both prisoners
Prisoners of this love
Behind these bars
Buried and forgotten

My blood flows
Only for you
You surge thru my veins
Like a disease
And the cure to my pain

You’re my affliction
My love
My addiction

Painting by: Andrew Wyeth’s

Uninspired

How did I get to this place?
How is it that I am here?
Is this really all I am?
A woman with everything to fear?

I no longer remember the dreams
Or who or what I wanted to be
Is this what I wanted of my life
This work of women and of wife

What dreams did I have did I follow
To come to this place
My fault and the work of my own hand
Or just the hours pass thru fingers like sand

Is this what hard work truly brings
Or Did I stand by and just let life happen?
Did I really work for this at all
Could my dreams really be this small?

From the outside in
It’s all well kept and well acquired
But what I see is scatted dreams empty and bare
And of the void I am ever aware

Looking at my place and at my time
Who I am and all I have
Bring both comfort and shame
Knowing that I have myself to only blame

But what to do
Want and need only what is had
Or turn from this my home of uninspired
To the possibility of what was once desired

Nope, I keep with this uninspired life
For if I look away too long
I might my blessing regret
So it’s better that my dreams to forget

- emily gonzalez

I stay...

How did I get here to this place?
I look into a face I think I know
And the eyes looking back full of Sadness
Sympathy and fear
They whisper that they love me
So why am I still here?

I ask the little ones to take me with them
But they don’t know my words
Or what I say
The ones in the white coats
Talk about me but not to me
I want to go home
They pat my arm and look thru me

The two that come
Share their days and their lives
They clean me up and do my hair
But when I wake up no one's there

How did I get here to this place?
Eyes of sadness, sympathy and fear
They whisper that they love me
Why am I still here?

I sit in this room with the sad and lonely
But inside I feel like more
and remember a time when
I was anything but only
I had things to do and kids to feed
I had a responsibility to a higher power

Sometimes I close my eyes to ask for help
Though I can remember to who it is I talk
I sense someone does listen
I remember the streets of NY I’d walk
With a message
A message to share
I was surrounded by those lost and needy
With my word of hope a sense of care
The drug induced, sick and sad
They needed me and the job I had

How did I get here to this place?
I look into the eyes of those I think I know
Eyes of sadness, sympathy and fear
They whisper that they love me
But am I still here?

Looking out this window
Feels familiar like I’ve been here before
But when I look back
Back at the place I am
I expect to see more
I wonder where have they all gone
Or where have I been
He should be home soon
I remember with a grin

Here come the two
I know there should be others
But can’t remember who
They clean me up and do my hair
They talk of life and somehow I know they care.
But I remember so many others
I wonder where have they all gone

Take me with you I say
Eyes of sadness, sympathy and fear
They whisper that they love me
but they go home
And I stay here

- emily gonzalez

You Can...

"Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times" - Aeschylus

It is truly up to us! Everyday happiness is our choice. We can choose to be grateful each and every day for the little pleasures and joys in life or we can complain that the bigger happiness’s are so hard to achieve. I don’t know about you but I choose to take a million little happiness in stead of two BIG joys in a life time.

Make the effort. Make it a good day. Choose to be HAPPY!!!

Father Riding

2009 Arecibo Motor Sport Cycling Classic

Go Father Go!!!

"The mark of a successful man is one that has spent an entire day on the bank of a river without feeling guilty about it"

Or a Women who can sit on her big comfy chair for 13 hours and read??? Later guys I got a book to get thru!! Guilt Free!!! I guess that makes me successful!!!

Just got thu watching the movie the Soloist. Beautiful movie. It just made me think about the importance of nothing. In life and friendship sometimes the real beauty is not in what you give, in what you do or how you help. The real beauty lies in just being there. Being part of each others lives. Just being friends. Nothing to give or take, no big happy endings, not big production. Just Being!

After a Frustrating day...

I was reading some quotes that I keep from my favorite books. And after a day of "frustration" this thought made me feel better and I thought I'd share it with you...

"In many cases happiness is a role people play and behind the smiling facade there is a great deal of pain. When there is unhappiness in you, first you need to acknowledge that it is there. Don't say "I am" unhappy, the unhappiness is not "who" you are. Instead, realize that the unhappiness is only a temporary state. If something can be done about it do it. If not then say "Well this is just how it is". You can accept it or make yourself miserable. The Primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation itself; but your thoughts about it. Be aware of your thoughts and separate them from the actual situation. The situation it self is neutral. It is what it is. Rather than being the negative thoughts and emotions instead be the awareness behind them. When you are the awareness you are no longer at the mercy of the unhappiness." - A New Earth

We have to choose, we can either be the sum of our unhappiness or we can let them be. I like to think of it as; unhappiness is in a box and you have to live outside of the box. Let the unhappy situation be what it will be, but you don’t have to live in that state of unhappiness. Don’t ignore it but choose to live outside of it.

Happy Hour with Jefe and CoWorkers

Ladies

Anamore & Laura

Me, Ana & Laura

Jefe - Henry & Wife Betsy

Leisure

Leisure is a form of silence, not noiselessness. It is the silence of contemplation such as occurs when we let our minds rest on a rosebud, a child at play, a Divine mystery, or a waterfall. - Fulton J. Sheen

Leisure is what I seek, the perfect silence, the kind of silence that can only comes from inside. This perfection is not hard to find, but is hard to sustain. We live in a world of noise; TV, MP3’s, Laptops, handhelds and husbands.

So I take it in as often as I can. On my drive to and from work, in a hot shower, in the moments in bed right before falling asleep; the morning air as I walk out the door; or the instances I find myself home alone listening to the nothingness. I breathe in the beautiful leisurely silence.

I continue to seek and openly embrace any chance of silence I can find.

Books, Work and Life...

The wise man reads both books and life itself. - Lin Yutang

I spent the better part of my fall and winter with my head in one book or another. It was wonderful, it was a dream come true. Me, a book, my beautiful chair and a glass of good wine. It was perfect! But there comes a time when you have to get your head out of the books and you have to live life. Experience what it has to offer. However, with some new very exciting opportunities at work I took my head out of my books and find that I just buried it into work. It’s been a lot of hard work, lots of long hours but I have learned tons. The experience is priceless. I wanted an opportunity at something different, a challenge and I sure got it.

My goal now is to find the balance. Find a way to enjoy the challenge, enjoy a book and experience life. I’ll let you now how it goes…

“You fall in love with personality but you live with character.”

The Quote of the day for March 11, 2009

I thought this was an amazingly real observation. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot in the past few weeks. How difficult is it to know someone’s true character? If it’s not so flattering people tend to hide it for dear life; however, if we really look its there for the seeing. You just have to honestly want to see it. Look past the good looks, the quick jokes, the witty comments and the fog of nothingness.

I think that the most difficult times in someone’s life brings out their true character. When the going gets tough that’s when, the tough get going, or the cowardly go running, the insecure project, the proud pretend, the stubborn argue and the weak blame.

At the end of the day character is what we are left with. So make it your priority with your friends and loves. Then down the road through the biggest trials of your life you will know who you can count on… For REAL!!!

Song of sorrow

Seeking a miserable defection
Like a stubborn boy you can't stop kissing
Close enough to a lack of perfection
Thinking you have all but something missing

Like a savage stronghold on the real life
A desperate attempt at trying to flee
Gone through this hatred and through this strife
Is this a real person or is this me?

Like breaking dawn on this reality
Like a psychotic glitch of tragedy
So close to death and abnormality
It's like there is no kind of strategy

Like a running train that never slows down
For far too long I've worn such a sad frown


by Shaileen Mendez

Oh, So Many Silly Books...

The end of my 2008 was amazing. I worked from home from Dec 23 – Jan 5. That means that as soon as my day was done I went 60 to 0 in the time it took me to log off of my laptop. And straight to relax and read mode, since I was already in my chill out cloths. I read thru 6 ½ books and loved every minute of it!!! I read the Sookie Stackhouse “True Blood” series of books. It was 100% mindless, for the sheer fun of it reading. I have a pile of more “serious” books to read in this New Year. But, I have 0 guilt in my End of Year simply amusing choice in books. What Fun!!!

I Painted my 1/2 Bath

Considering that this might be the smallest batheroom in the world, it took forever. It was sooo much work! But totally worth it.

Emma's Movie Reviews

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
I love when from the very beginning of a movie you know you’re in for an adventure. I instantly knew it was a movie I would never forget. It was funny, touching, sad and thought provoking. There are scenes that just break your heart and others that touch your soul. Benjamine's eyes throughout the move are piercingly beautiful and are in themselves telling a story. Showing youth when he was old and wisdom when he was young. So amazing!!! I had that “Forest Gump” kind of feeling were you feel like your watching true history from the view point of sheer imagination. I give it a Big WOW!!!

Seven Pounds
OMG!!! It was sooooooooooooo Good. Will Smith is the MAN!!! It truly amazes me how he is completely transformed into this character. I won’t say much; accept it was Powerful, Painful, and Intense. I give it a Huge HOLEY CRAP!!!

On DVD: The Visitor
This movie was simple and beautiful. Touching on post 9/11 racism in the US and the struggle of everyday hardworking immigrant from all over the world. But more then anything it was a beautiful story about kindness and the joy of giving of yourself freely. An amazing story about how one mans life was completely changed when he opened his heart and home. A demonstration of the life altering power of friendship. As if that was not enough, it is also a love story. Titi Evelyn, Jojo and I thought it had the most beautiful love scene ever!!!

On DVD: MalDeAmores
I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time. But, its not a comedy, i guess it was all the references to the familiar that had me rolling. It’s a movie about the ups and downs of love at it's different stages. Produced and directed by Puerto Ricans and filmed on location in Puerto Rico. 100% real Puerto Ricans. It was an honest depiction of love, the anti “Hollywood Love Story” love story. It was pure and honest and very Boricua. I enjoyed it sooooo much. Maybe it’s just being so far from home, but it was great to hear them talk my kind of Spanish. So get a six pack of Heineken and cook up some Mofongo and watch. I give it an enthusiastic WEPA!!!

Has anyone seen these or any others??? Come on Share!!! What about Australia???? That looks good...

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Comments: Vinet's Movie Feedback...

Revolutionary Road with Leonardo Dicaprio, Kate Winslet a couple who struggle with society in the 1950's. I did like the movie it made me think of how we take the freedom we have to do whatever we want with our lives for granted and how we do let unexpected changes in our lives rule out our dreams.

Cousin Gheisha and her Little Family.

Photographed by Allan Zepeda

http://www.allanzepeda.blogspot.com/